I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize