how can u be prego again
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
