remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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