The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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