Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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