When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
