Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the condom got lost in my hair
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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