Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
