So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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