Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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