I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
