o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
