Got a toothbrush?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
