i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
