I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
