he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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