i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
