remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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