Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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