Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
