remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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