life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
