I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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