we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
