nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize