Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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