so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
