My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
