totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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