Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
