At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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