carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
