you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
