After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
