your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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