You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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