Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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