Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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