He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
