This dress was meant to end up on your floor
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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