genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
