I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
