I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
