when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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