Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
