1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
