i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
