Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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