remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We left an ass print on the piano.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
