$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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