I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
