my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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