John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
50% drunk capacity currently
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
