Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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