At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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