Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
