franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
