Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
