As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
