You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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