Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
