if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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