Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
