Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
