I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
