please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
